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So it's official: I'm moving next weekend.
For real this time. I'm not just thinking about it anymore. I'm actually gonna fucking do it. I've got alot of my things packed in boxes already and I'm really looking forward to getting outta here.
Am I really sad and feeling guilty that I'm leaving my disabled mother behind? Yes. I feel like a really bad person for doing this - and practically dooming her to live on the streets if nothing goes her way.
However - her not having money is not completely my fault. Yes, I didn't have money for a month - but it's not like I asked her for money every other day for things that I didn't need. I kept doing the grocery shopping, getting the prescriptions, cleaning the house, etc, etc...and I looked for a job. I had/have no control over whether or not an employer wants to hire me. So yes, even though I didn't have a job for a month - I did my best. And that's all I could do. Do I think the landlady or the utility companies care? Not a chance. But I DO think that as a daugher - that my mother should cut me a little bit of slack considering how much I did/still do for her.
However - she has only ONE source of income aside from me. And that JUST pays for rent. The spousal support she was getting from her ex has ended because she won't get a physical assesment done - because she knows they'll tell her she can work. She hasn't/won't apply for welfare or whatever it is for disabled people. And she won't stop spending money on stupid shit like ice cream, cheetos, and cigarettes. And she certainly will never look for a god damn job.
So really, is her financial shit-fit entirely my fault? Absolutely not. Am I gonna pay her as much money as I can before I leave? You bet I will. I'm gonna do everything I possibly can for this woman before I'm gone. After that, there's obviously nothing more I can do. And that's the end of my interferance.
So what am I hoping to acheive once I move out? Well, because I'm not going to be literally on my own - I'm going to be living with my Father. He's gonna charge me next to nothing for rent - which is awesome. Anyways, I plan on getting my drivers lisence, get a credit card, and start some schooling if I finally decide what I'm gonna study. And along the way I'm hoping to maybe get a couple of tattoos. Who knows ... but it'll be alot better than what I've got right now.
Here's hoping with a smile that things keep getting better =) |
current mood: Good
current music: None |
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