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		11.7.2009
	by: feather from: thoughts
“There’s nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don’t live up until their death. They don’t honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries and they can’t hear it. Most people’s deaths are a sham. There’s nothing left to die.” — Bukowski
current mood: current music: the time: 2:29am (EST)
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here it is		11.7.2009
	by: nothing from: nothingness
my first attempt to let go, and put these secrets into this information ocean. i am mad. i get by on sin and creation. and prayer. nobody knows what i am. this is the first time that i am saying so. i have a presence in the conventional world. i have a girlfriend who wants to get married. i am a rising figure in a prestigious field limited to geniuses of our time. and i have a family. of course, they know nothing of what i will chiefly write about here. lies have always been central to my life. they allow me to feed my hunger in a world that does not permit it. they allow me to avoid criticism, for i am much too sensitive for that. and they let me imbue this austere situation with fantasy, good and bad. i am interested in communicating with others like me -- those who get by in these late hours, feeding their dark addictions, in secret. but do not contact me with the intention of getting to know me. i cannot let that happen.
current mood: current music: the time: 1:42am (EST)
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Funny Quiz		11.7.2009
	by: xX_DontThinkTwice_Xx from:
Your Name: Age: Favorite position: Do you think I'm cute? Would you have sex with me? lights on or off? Would you have to be drunk? Would you take a shower with me? have you ever thought about having sex with me? Would you leave after or stay the night? Do you like cuddling afterwards? Condom or skin? Have sex on the first date? Would you kiss me during sex? Do you think I would be good in bed? Would you use me as a booty call? Can I use you as a booty call? Can we take pictures of the act? How long would we have sex? Would you tell your friends about me? Would you want me for a b/f , g/f or friend? Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
current mood: Hyper/tired/in love current music: Snuff-Slipknot the time: 1:19am (EST)
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		11.7.2009
	by: Bellatrix from: sleep
i seriously need to get some sleep. i hate waking when it's dark, and falling asleep when it's just getting light. i need my vitamin D : (
current mood: current music: the time: 12:50am (EST)
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Oh Sigh;		11.6.2009
	by: Astroderm from: ☮
My (potentially ex) boyfriend is now ignoring me, after making me feel like a horrible person all day, and chewing me out for considering seeing Tyler today/tomorrow (Oh, the audacity! I should know better!) He went through my internetz shit to see if I'd said anything about him (presumptuously so that he could get mad at me for THAT, too-he says I always make him look like an asshole when I'm venting about him being an asshole. I guess he doesn't get that he IS an asshole. Oh well, anyway), and sooo he read the blog before this one, you know, the epic fail emo one? Yeah. He yells at me for the following, and in this order: 1. According to him, I'd rather hang out with Tyler than him on my birthday. 2. "Lying" on my blog, because apparently he CAN and WILL come over on Sunday, to which I said "don't bother," to which he responds "Fine, since you obviously don't care about me anyway" 3. The (Fracture) sentence ". . . Get my hands on something. . ." He failed, however, to read the words after it, ". . . mind-altering. . ." Meaning DRUGS. He assumed I meant dick. This is after he bitched at me all day for texting a boy whose name wasn't Caleb Joseph Wilson. Don't you love how he's so quick to accuse me of cheating? Not once did he mention ANYTHING about the parts where I was talking about my feelings. He then said that he listens to/cares about what I have to say. My response: Clearly (sarcasm). Then there proceeded to be a long, long, long silence on the phone, followed by "Are you going to say anything?" To which I respond, "What am I supposed to say." To which he responds, "I don't know, blah blah something dick-ish" He then blows up because I told him it wasn't his business who I texted. Then he decides to go, since I wasn't apologizing/conforming to his guilt trip/responding to his jeers. He then doesn't attempt conversation for an hour or so. When I text him, no response. When I call him, no answer. That was around seven. It's eleven pm now. Same thing's going on as what was going on around seven. My boyfriend DEFINITELY loves me. As always, when we're in a fight, he's at his friend's house, probably getting high, so he doesn't have to think about it or admit he was wrong. And he told me he was grounded. Sweet, isn't he? I'm done, I guess. I'm just highly frustrated and I have a lot of pent up, bitter emotion being held towards him right now :/ He makes me really angry. Mostly because, although he says he cares, he rarely shows it. And when he does, it's usually followed shortly after by my being groped, or some other act of Caleb trying to get me to have sex with him. I feel so unappreciated, so unloved, so uncared for. I honestly feel like I was better off last May. Really and truly. I don't like being in love, and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to punch in my card and be rid of this whole mess. I'm going to be in trouble when he reads this. He's going to see the part about "He rarely shows (he cares). And when he does it's usually followed by. . . Caleb trying to get me to have sex with him;" or the part about... I don't know. There's a lot of material for him to use against me. And he'll take all he can get. He's a big fan of guilt trips. He never really hears me, though, when I'm talking about how I feel neglected and unwanted, etc etc etc etc ETC. I mean he hears me, yeah, but he doesn't... respond... or listen. He only takes in what he wants to hear. I know he's not going to address any of that if he does in fact read this, and yell at me, and make me feel even worse... He never has, he never does, and he most likely never will.... I feel hopeless and useless and sad and jaded and just... like I'd rather be dead :/ He's put me through so much and I've still stuck around... He's lied to me and taken me for granted and ignored me, and I stick around and bake him cakes and take care of him when he wants it from me, and give him everything I have to give... and even though he's "changed," I've yet to really feel gratified, or that I've even really gotten equal treatment in return. I feel like the concubine, instead of the queen. Bad analogy, but I'm in a pros-y mood. Kind of. I just want to feel like... ugh... this is going to sound so stupid.... I want to feel like I'm a guy's princess :/ I mean shit... For once in my life it'd be nice if I just got treated nicely, all the time, not just when my boyfriend's in a good mood, or horny. I just feel so shoved aside and neglected half the time that it's starting to make the other half of the time not so worth it.... I just don't know what to do ): Anyone on the outside of this will say the obvious. I know what you're thinking; "Just leave him, why are you even with him still? He's such a jerk, you don't need that, you deserve better, blah blah blah;" But it's a lot different when you're the one actually going through it, when you're the one in love with the guy who's doing it. I feel like those stupid girls who stay with the cheating guys, or those weak girls who can't be independent so they stay with the guy even if he's a dirtbag. I'm not necessarily accusing my boyfriend of doing/being either of those things, I'm just saying... I'm one of those girls. I'm so hopeless and ridiculously stupid :/ I just want to drop off the face of the planet, go into orbit around the sun, catch a ride on a passing meteor, and go to some far away galaxy where there is no concept of pain or hate or depression or shitty boyfriends :/ I'd stay there the whole rest of my life if I could. One last thing; Out of anger I told him I didn't want to see him on Sunday. I told him not to bother coming over, or anything. He just accepted it. My 100% perfect dream guy would have done it anyway, just because he wanted to make my birthday more special than any other. But nope. I'm not worth fighting for. I'm just a concubine :/ One VERY last thing, then I'm done, I swear: He was online around the time I was calling him and whatnot. He WAS ignoring me, he wasn't asleep or any other stupid shit. He was straight, flat-out ignoring me. Something he said he wouldn't do. He breaks his promises constantly. I suppose it's safe to say I'm single. Happy Birthday, Samme. The End.
current mood: current music: the time: 11:45pm (EST)
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Parallel Image		11.6.2009
	by: Love.Said.No from: : Voltage :
I feel the metallic beat coursing through my veins and like liquid fire you come to me. Come now, I swear you have the key. I will remit my request in a box with a beautiful bow, silent beating heart. I pray on my hope that my dreams do not collapse apart. I promise you the finest works of art that a bag of bones can create. It is your words in my essence that would begin to sedate. There is a curse on my heart to leave this place colder then the ice. Is this the ultimate price? Do not enlighten me that my angel lost her radiance because I will still stare to the sky awaiting her. I stare into those vacant eyes, where did all the ecstasy go? You have left me betrayed with no life left to glow. When did you vanish into your nightmares in the dark? You will just abandon my soul unaccompanied to embark. You are nothing of what I knew. Within you, you let the fiend reign over you. The darkness consumes us all. I will not be present to observe your fall. You cannot escape the glare in my eyes. I challenge you to evade your disguise. I insisted that the stars lead you to me… Yet those stars lied; it was the shine, the glare blocking my examination of you. Your judgment is poisoned; your corpse stitched together, and you have become locked in a disease so taboo. You once informed me it was my fire that animated you in ways god could by no means inspire. It was in my demon ways out for hire. Dial my number and wait for your soul to scream. Now my finger is on the trigger and I have gone to all the extremes. Bang bang; in cold blood I will shoot you down. Just my parallel image reflecting back at me along with all the ways I am only a disgrace in your eyes. Whip me again with your venous words covered in your scarlet lies. Confine me in all the abuse for the world to mock. Point out each and every imperfection before you pitch me into the crowded boulevard once more for my silhouette to be outlined in chalk. You informed me I would never amount to anything and in turn nothing I became.
current mood: current music: the time: 11:34pm (EST)
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		11.6.2009
	by: Downers.Show from: G SPOT
Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone? No When you're walking, do you stop to drink? No Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it? Yes Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle? Yup Ever snuck out of your house? Yes Kill or Be killed? KILL! Break someone’s heart or have your heart broken? Break What did you do today? Smoke weed nigga Do you like someone right this second? Love is more like it Would you ever get a tattoo? Yes What was the last thing you ate? Roastbeef Are you a morning person or a night person? Nighty Do you snore? No? Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion? Yes What would you do if you opened up your front door to a dead body? Poke it with a stick Do you like to spend time with people? Mhm Are you hungry? Yesh Are you a forgiving person? Depends When was the last time you did the dishes? Neverrr Are you talking to anyone while doing this? Yup Do you want a relationship right now? I'm in one What are you about to do? I have no clue Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't? Yup If you could be a superhero what would you want to do? Be able to see through walls ;) Your name plus "ness"? Chrisness! Three feelings at the moment? I'm. Dead. Sexy. Done anything you regret so far in life? Yes Are you listening to anything? Yup Where are you right now? Living Room What are you scared of? Nothing Last movie you watched? The Butterfly Effect Last song you sang out loud? Nothing but a g thang Are you thinking of someone right now? No Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? Some interview Last thing you downloaded on your computer? Porn... I mean Music Have you changed much this year? Not Really Where was the last place you went besides where you are? Room Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? I think so Do you speak any other language? Japanese! Do you dress for style or comfort? Comfort Ever had a drunken night in Mexico? No :( What's the craziest thing you've done? Can't remember Favorite color(s)? Blackkk What is your favorite Nickelback song? ....Ugh What are you looking forward to this summer? Smoking dank every day Last time you smiled? Now If you could choose any fate what would you choose? I become a billionaire If you could have anything in the world, what would you want? Happiness
current mood: current music: the time: 11:15pm (EST)
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		11.6.2009
	by: Downers.Show from: G SPOT
1. First thing you wash in the shower? My Ballsss 2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Grey 3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yes 4. Do you plan outfits? Nope 5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Bored 6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? My gf's hoodie 7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? aimmm 8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? Wettttttt 9. Did you meet anybody new today? No :( 10. What are you craving right now? Sushi 11. Do you floss? Yesh 12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Eww 13. When was the last time you talked on aim? A billion years ago 14. Are you emotional? Kinda? 15. Would you dance to the taco song? No.. 16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? No 17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Both ;) 18. Do you like your hair? Not Really 19. Do you like yourself? Mhm 20. Have you ever met a celebrity? No 21. Do you like cottage cheese? It's okay I guess 22. What are you listening to right now? XOVER 23. How many countries have you visited? 0 24. Are your parents strict? Nope 25. Would you go sky diving? Probably not 26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Nah 27. Would you throw potatoes at him? Yes 28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? No 29. Have you ever been in a castle? Nope 30. Do you rent movies often? Nah 31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? I don't wanna go!! 32. Have you made a prank phone call? Yes? 33. Do you own a gun? Hell yea nigga! 34. Can you count backwards from 74? Durr 35. Who are you going to be with tonight? My bitch 36. Brown or white eggs? White 37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? Yup 38. Ever been on a train? Duh 39. Ever been in love? Yes 40. Do you have a cell-phone? No :( 41. Are you too forgiving? No 42. Do you use chap stick? Ew 43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? What bf? 44. Can you use chop sticks? Yup :) 45. Ever have cream puffs? Yup 46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Yes 47. What was the last question you asked? Fuck me plz? 48. What was the last CD you bought? Er... I unno 49. Boys or girls? Women 50. What is your bus number for school? ... 51. Is your hair curly? Yup 52. Last time you cried? ... 53. Ever walked into a wall? Yup 54. Do looks matter? Yup 55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? No 56. Have you ever slapped someone? Oh yesss 57. Favorite time of the year? Summer!!! 58. Favorite color? Black 59. Are you sarcastic? Yes, duh 60. Do you have any tattoos? Soon 61. The last person you held hands with? My Gal 62. Do you sleep with the TV on? Sometimes 63. Where was your default picture taken at? Park 64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Yup 65. Do you like your life right now? I guess 66. How often do you talk on the phone? Never 67. What is your favorite animal? Guinea Pigs!! 68. What was the most recent thing you bought? Fooooood 69. Do you have good vision? Hell Nah 70. Can you hula hoop? No 71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? No 72. Do you have a job? Sadly, no :( 73. Can you handle the truth? Yes 74. What are you wearing? My boxers and a t-shirt ;) 75. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yup
current mood: current music: the time: 11:04pm (EST)
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i feel suicidal lol not for the queezy		11.6.2009
	by: David from:
i reach for a knife but i think to myself to messy i grab a saw and think to much work i see a rope just right for what i need its to thin i find a bag and put it around my head no good to much thoughts and suicide fails i could join the military still to much work so i go outside to my car and start the engine i drive into the busiest fourway and cant remember wht happend after that i wake up in the hospital in so much pain i see im on a life support i shut the machine off and drift off into a coma like sleep and finally im at peace.
current mood: current music: the time: 9:24pm (EST)
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bitched at		11.6.2009
	by: Bellatrix from: sleep
by some girl that’s 16. “get a job, learn to drive, move out. you’re bloody twenty!” shit, if only it was that easy. i’m sorry i don’t get everything done for me, i’m sorry i don’t get everything i ask for and that i’m not spoilt enough to have a brand new car and lessons bought for me. i’m sorry i live in a beautiful house in the countryside instead of a shitty house near the city. i’m sorry that my parents don’t work and that my dad has cancer and is disabled. i’m sorry i don’t match up with all your other fucking friends. but i’m REAL and i deal with REAL issues and real worries. go back to your fucking fairytale.
current mood: current music: the time: 5:52pm (EST)
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