Girl, Interrupted
| Grumble | Oct 22, 10 @ 6:25am |
| I don't know why I can't stay asleep.
Or why I woke up like four times last night. I just spent over an hour ruminating on absurd things, hoping that sleep would find me. They've stuck, all of these silly things floating about. And now, at last I finally feel something like sleepiness and I need to be awake in less than twenty minutes to start getting ready to nanny and then go up North. Tomorrow will be long. This next week will be long, really. And I still feel pretty gross. Stupid germs. |
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| All I will remember | Oct 21, 10 @ 5:20pm |
| I remember when this song more than adequately described what I felt, way back when. January will never be the same, it seems.
Every time I hear it, I think of that time in life where things seemed to fit. But so quickly fell apart. I don't know if I could handle visiting but I want it more than anything. Or so I think. I don't really know. We seem incapable of being simply friends. But maybe this time around I'll be stronger. I think more than anything I'm still in love with a memory, not a person. You cool your bed-warm hands down on the broken radiator, And when you lay them freezing on me, I mumble "can you wake me later?" But I don't really want you to stop and you know it so it doesn't stop you And run your hands from my neck to my chest Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute Cause the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you It's been minutes, it's been days, it's been all I will remember Happy lost in your hair and the cold side of the pillow Your hills and valleys are mapped by my intrepid fingers And in a naked slumber, I dream all this again Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute Cause the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute Cause the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you |
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| #41 | Oct 19, 10 @ 7:40pm |
| I can't help but feel a little lost.
And out of sorts. I'm confused in every imaginable way. All I want is some middle ground. Something steady to grip on to. Come and see I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles oh I'm coming slow but speeding... Do you wish a dance and while I'm in the front My play on time is won But the difficulty is coming here... I will go in this way And find my own way out I won't tell you to stay But its coming to much more...me All at once the ghosts come back Reeling in you now oh What if they came down crushing It used to be That you and me Play for all of the loneliness That nobody notices now I'm begging slow I'm coming here... I'm waiting I wanted to stay I wanted to stay I wanted to play I wanted to love you I'm only this far And only tomorrow leads my way I'm coming waltzing back And moving into your head Please, I wouldn't pass you by Oh, and I wouldn't take any more than What sort of man goes by? I will bring water Why won't you ever be glad? It melts into wonder Oh, you know I'm praying for you Why won't you run in to rain and play? Let tears splash all over you |
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| (Untitled.) | Oct 16, 10 @ 11:58am |
| I feel like a giant jerk.
Distraction has failed me miserably. |
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| Blink | Oct 15, 10 @ 5:50pm |
| I'm not sure I should even bother to write about it.
Maybe this is all I need to say. Last night was pretty good. Flyleaf was awesome. I love that they love God. It was nice to get out and go with friends, see Athena. She's one of the few Christian friends I have so its nice to be able to really talk to someone that understands where I'm coming from. ...Now that I don't live in the city anymore I feel a lot more isolated from friends since they're like 15 miles away. Or further. I was thinking about Dan last night and how grateful I am that I had someone show me genuine, selfless, true love. I miss him, but he's changed. I don't know what it'd be like to be friends. We haven't really been able to mend it. We tried hanging out a few months ago and at first it was awkward progressively got better and ended weirdly. I was tempted to text him to thank him, but didn't know what he'd think or feel, so I resisted. Maybe I should stop worrying so much about what other people think, or will think. >.< Liam and I have been talking more and he texted me wondering where I was. That was kind of strange. I finally feel like maybe I'm completely over it and in control...which is this huge relief and heavy burden lifted. Someone I know mentioned that guys can be like slot machines. You put quarter after quarter in waiting for the time you win the jackpot, when they're good, kind, sweet. And the rest of the time...nothing good is happening other than all of this energy and effort expended into something that isn't being reciprocated. I don't mean that that exclusively applies to males only, I imagine it could apply to anyone...when you're in an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes I think that's how it was with him. When it was good, it was really good. But I always felt like I had to be on guard, this persona of this put together, collected, indifferent person when really I felt anything but those things. Not really the making of an awesome relationship. I seem to date guys that are all wrong for me. For instance almost every single one has been an agnostic/atheist. The older I get the more I realize I will never have the relationship I want with a man if they don't believe in God. I know my relationship isn't where I'd like it to be, but its something I aim to improve upon every day. Speaking of... I got this awesome book that I started. 'The Christian Atheist' ...believing in a God but living as if He doesn't exist. I relate to a lot of what is being said. I love God and believe in Him, go to church, pray but I don't feel like I actually really know Him all that well. Which is saddening. I guess I don't know how to go about it. I used to know. I used to have this intimate, personal relationship and then things happened and I basically walked away...which I'm good at. It's hard to stay when you're afraid to death. I know that's pretty cowardly, and not a very loving thing to do. I'd like to think I'm a loving person but sometimes I know I'm not. I have this impossible time with trust. Not with friends, just with the potential of more. I don't know why. I have theories but haven't really figured it out. I purposefully don't date for this reason. But I feel like I'll never get better at it if I never date. But I don't want to sabotage or ruin whatever I start to build, disappoint or hurt whoever it is I'm seeing. Love is selfless and kind. And I know sometimes I'm neither of those things. So for now I'll wait. |
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| (Untitled.) | Oct 13, 10 @ 7:41pm |
| Most of the time I am adamant I can do everything on my own.
Trusting God is one of my biggest struggles. I wish it came more naturally, the way I think it should. But would it be as valuable if it was simple? I suppose that argument doesn't really work, plenty of things are easy and still of value. It's this giant lesson that I'm still in the process of learning. I'm convinced my ability to be stubborn can be used for good... Every time I let go of the need to be in control, great things happen. But still I struggle to relinquish this sense of authority. I feel like in order to really have a meaningful relationship with God you really have to die to self, and realize that it isn't about you. I feel like I'm at this standstill and I'm still letting go of this idea of what matters. Open up wide Swallow down deep The spoon full of sugar can make it sweet The cancer inside Stealing my sleep Night after night it keeps haunting me The secrets I keep are tearing me up inside I try to hide them in I wonder why I wonder why I'm still running when I know there's no escaping Come undone Surrender the stronger I don't need to be the hero tonight You all want love You all want honor Nobody wants to pay the asking price Fall on my knees Fall on my pride I'm tripping over all the times I've lied I'm asking please But I can see in your eyes That you don't need tears for alibis It's true what they say Love must be blind it's why your still standing by the sinners side You're still by my side when all I've done have left you bleeding |
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| (Untitled.) | Oct 13, 10 @ 12:37pm |
| When all else fails, write.
And then wait. |
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