Misplaced my soul, seen it?
| Friday | Feb 25, 05 @ 8:30pm |
| Soooooooo. I miss caitlyn so much. DAMNIT!!!!!!!! I don't want to! I don't want to have to and since i do have to i don't want to remember!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't be in Joes house without having memories of her!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doddy was there, was ok tonight. Possibly coz caitlyn didn't turn up? Who knows? I want to go out tomorrow, so bad. so so so so soooooooo bad. Please? Not meant to be alone. Not when my head does this to me. My room got a bit tidier. I did no work on my essay. Hmpf |
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current mood: Lonely current music: Bass in ur face |
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| Wednesday | Feb 23, 05 @ 6:40pm |
| Last night i dreamt i saw caitlyn, she looked really guilty and sad and had her scarf on, when i asked what was up she pulled down her scarf and there was a huge scar across her neck, like she'd tried to slit her own throat, i asked n it was self inflicted then she broke down into tears and fell into my arms and we were back in her front room, like the last time she let me care and lost it. Back when ler tried to kill herself or something, i never did get the whole story.
I can't get caitlyn out of my life. I've not spoken to her for a while now, probably a week or so... I've not had a lasting nice moment with her for weeks or maybe months. I miss her so badly. The bastard thing is i still care and worry about her. She doesn't need me anymore. Got work to do for uni and i cannot be arsed!!!! Its not even snowing, its supposed to but its not. Claires disappeared like 2 hours ago. :( Miss her. My teeth hurt bad. Going the slavery museum tomorrow, what fun. |
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current mood: sore, stressed, depressed current music: sunshine after the rain |
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| Sunday | Feb 20, 05 @ 6:32pm |
| Making a vague and stupid late night attempt to be vaguely happy and content with the good things in my life.... evanescence aint helping *skips track*. Anyways. Erm good things...
-I have my bike -I have my titanium watch -I duno Urgh. Need more things to be happy for. I miss Claire. Omg. I served old Claires mum in B&Q today whilst i was training (pah grrrrr etc). I thought it was her, and then she opened her purse to get her credit card and there was a picture of Claire. Omg. I'd forgotten how beautiful she is. Its not fair. Was being trained by Rachel too, shes gorgeous, sadly shes gotta bf, Russ. Lol. Marvelous. Hendi looked gorgeous as ever, love the way she pulls faces and tongues at me, its so cute n argh!! lol. At least she makes me smile. Tynes being funny again. I don't understand. I do. But if i do then i am a freak? I don't know. I want to have a non pressured nice lingering hug that isn't complicated. I need one. Ha. No chance. Why do i have to stop myself speaking at Caitlyn? Do i have to lose Joe to get her out of my head? Got one of those stupid email quiz things with 6 zillion questions. I've changed when filling those out, i can remember listing lots of friends i trusted, listing a few people i'd want to spend last day on earth with etc, knowing without a doubt who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with and shit like that. I don't have any answers anymore. I have no friends left. They all come and go and fade away. Fuck damnit my tooth hurts. Damn sugar. I actually almost like the way my arm looks in the light, until i remember that thats how everyone else will see it and they way i think of it will not be the same for them. There will be nothing else for them to do but judge, and all this will most likely happen whilst i am stuck in america, thousands of miles away from the few people who might maybe care just a bit. Oooooooooo Might be going the Krazy house next saturday!!! oOOOoooooooo. lol. I'm sad. Yer well shoot me. I'm jealous of the lad that lil Claires interested in. Silly eh. pah. Jealousy is stupid, hate it. Going to sleep now, alone and feeling increasingly isolated. neurgh |
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current mood: In pain and lost current music: duno, dance songs |
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| Saturday | Feb 19, 05 @ 6:28pm |
| I'm tired. I'm lonely. I don't know what i want. I don't know who i want. I am an idiot. I can't have a life coz i've destroyed it.
I want someone nice n gentle to be here, instead the only girls who seem willing to spend time with me recently are random horny ones who wana fuck me. Which aint what i want right now. Argh! *sigh* Theres nobody left. |
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current mood: lonely current music: Kittie, brackish |
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| Friday | Feb 18, 05 @ 7:48pm |
| Spent over 8 hours watching tv and films today. Disgraceful. Owe University £417. I need to die.
The scars on my arm, nearly all faded to white slivers across, you'd have to be looking to see, the light to reflect, you're touch to wander. You to be interested or worried. Nobody alive to see them. Except for the people who will see them by accident, The people who will judge. I'm not ready for that. Only one person has ever seen them, one person has ever touched them. Shes gone. I don't know how to make anything work. Farscape sets my mind wandering. I like it. I want Love. |
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current mood: Lonely and lost current music: Rammstein Los |
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| Wednesday | Feb 16, 05 @ 11:31am |
| What do i want?
I want a girl. Someone special, a princess, a gorgeous creature of the night or day or both to intertwine and gaze with me, to seek me, to find me, to hide me, to hold, to kiss, to go beyond, to inspire, to quietly be, but still take me out of my shell and make life start to move, the inspiration to try and want, i want someone beautiful. I have my passport back! I can flee the country, i dont like the picture though. lol. i want soft hugs. I don't want things to be complicated still. I don't want to be bitten like that again. I don't mind usually but not like that. Jai was winding me up today. He's so much better off then me, happy, owns a bike shop, and a car, and a van, and a flat, and 4 bikes which are all lovely, has loads a well fit girls after him, and hes a year younger then me. bastard. lol |
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current mood: Lost current music: Dance music |
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| Monday | Feb 14, 05 @ 8:26pm |
| Valentines day. No cards. Oh the joy. Hmmmmmm
I'm still sorta scared about what happened on saturday night. It doesn't make sense, i was dreaming abt her jumping on me again n the biting n i woke up all twitchy n nervous. I've felt quite nervous abt the whole thing in general though. Even without the biting. Went to Joes, but doddy was there being a tit. I duno whats going on that makes everyone take the piss and insult me. I saw Caitlyn thru her window but she wouldnt come to the door to see me for a few mins, said she was too tired. I don't think she would have said that to most people. *sigh* I read my diaries this morning. I wonder what i do feel or have felt for Caitlyn. My diaries really make it sound like an obsession, i don't think it is/was... I duno. Scared. Just want to quietly sit with someone holding me, someone kind and loving who i don't have to be scared of in any way... |
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current mood: scared nervous current music: none |
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| Sunday | Feb 13, 05 @ 4:23am |
| Went to go the kray last night with gray his gf kerry and her mate loo. Except loo got knocked back, so we went to hex instead, in birkenhead. Was fucked up night. Was really pissed off most of it coz i wanted to go the kray and shit.
Hex was good, but empty ish inside, i'm told this is coz its not been open long, but if it had better people in there would have been good. There were at least 3 fairly beautiful girlys walking round, they had lovely long legs, *sigh*. Think they worked there though. I knew the bouncer too, lol he used to work at B&Q. Loo wouldnt leave me alone for most of the night, and then got in a huge mood with me when i wouldn't take her home and fuck her, i also managed to accidently drop her on her face in the road, but that was more her fault. Took an hour to get a fuckin taxi!!!!!!!! Never going to bhead again unless we figure a definite way of going home. Loo was also kind enough to spill half a bottle of stella down my leg!!!!! Oh and she pulled me, mostly by randomly walking up to me when i was falling asleep in the club and climbing on me and pinning me, which was interesting, just wish someone other then her had been doing it. She bites. Ow. Got like 6 bite marks, she drew blood!!! Ummmmmm.... I only had like 4 bottles, cheapest night out ever, spent £15!!!! Would have been good but for the taxi queue and the fucked up company. We asked the dj to play superstar by saliva and he said he would, then when we went back later he said he had, and he hadn't. Stage show was two girls in latex with angle grindery things and flamey poles, was fairly interesting hehe. The hostess was more interesting, late 20's early 30's?? Tall, fit, black hair, huggggggggge boots. Was good! The other 2 pretty ladies was one with a teeny black skirt and black boots n a chinese silky top and chopstick thingys in her hair, she was fit! And another tall leggy one with a teeny red skirt and a black top i think, dark hair, she spoke to me! LOL It was sadly only to offer me a fortune cookie. I forget what it said, then graham blundered over before i could try and say anything else! Reckons he had 4 pints, strange that coz i saw him buy 2. Got quite a few hugs, off 3 ppl, none of whom were massively gorgeous though. ahem. hmmmmm i'm quite shallow. The cages were good, especially when all the fit leggy beautiful ladies got in n danced. I was too tired last night, didn't dance at all really. Except a little to mc hammer. Hehe. My ears were ringing, then the dj got told to make the music louder by the leggy lady in the huuuuuge boots. So he did. Lol. The bar was cushiony too, so that was nice to lean on. :) In the taxi queue i was randomly chatting with some scallies they seemed nice enough, then it was snowing, then it was hailing, then it rained. So i was frozen by the time we got a taxi. Loo lost her jacket, i should have been gentlemanly and offered her my hoody, but i didn't fancy dying of pneumonia having died of a cold all week n shite. Plus she kept fucking biting me!!!!!!! Grrrr! |
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current mood: Shattered current music: Radio |
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| Thursday | Feb 10, 05 @ 8:08pm |
| Trusts so stupid. *sigh*
Caitlyn stops speaking to me when i say something she doesnt like. If i tell her i'm sad or i need her she tells me lifes not fair. Shes doing it again! Is she just playing with me? I can't ask anyone about it. I need to take my life away from her. The thought of losing her fills me inside with a hole and dread and fear. Shes tearing my life apart, i'm tearing me apart. Jenny fancies me? Wtf? What do i do???? Rachel fancies me? WTF?! Weird. Nobody seems practical. Just argh. I'm confused. I gotta make up work for tomorrow, stupid. I didnt fail my exams, close but not quite. Financially fucked!!!!! So many pretty faces in my mind, so many things in my mind, so much negative shite and i can't give that to unsuspecting lovely people. I can't give it to anyone, i can't get close at the moment without them seeing? I don't know? Why am i making excuses, do i need to? ARgh wtf wtf wtf. |
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current mood: lost confused current music: Disturbed |
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| Wednesday | Feb 9, 05 @ 7:08am |
| So..... One text today! Ain't i popular!!!!!! Oh wait, no.
Pah. Why can't people answer their fones to me, i mean if they've got it on silent or sumit then surely they could do sumit when they notice the missed calls. PAh. Stupid cold. Today was relatively productive, i even have short hair! But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I should be happy and i'm not. I want what? I don't know. Saw Laura in the cinema, couldn't tell if she recognized me or not, most likely not, wish i could think of something to say. I wish lots of things. I've got everything sorted except my finances. Money is shite. :'( Nobody reads these things, nobody sees me. Lol. I'm talking crap. Oh the joy. Can't scratch or cut or anything like this coz i got 2 months ish to get the scars to fade sufficiently to be ignored on the fieldtrip, HA. The worlds going to judge me and the world is going to end. Why do people have to be so judgemental? Why am i so judgemental? I try to think that its coz i want to see the best that people can be and them to see that they are being stupid, but thats just me being a prick. People are shit. I'm a person. I'm shit. Joy. |
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current mood: ill and shite current music: Incubus, warning |
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