Misplaced my soul, seen it?
| Tuesday | Jun 21, 05 @ 7:04am |
| Well for the second day now something simple i was looking forward to has failed to happen. Why do i bother trying to look forward to anything? What makes it so hard for people to keep to the things they say, i mean if they were complicated things or sumit then i could understand but they weren't. Going the cinema on monday wasn't hard. But no. Going to town today wasn't hard. But no. I'm tired of doing everything alone.
The looks caitlyn was giving me last night and the way she was ignoring me hurt last night. Then she was quite happily clinging onto and hugging jj, its not fair. JJ i don't mind too much anymore. Caitlyn however is hurting me on purpose i think? I don't know. Shes not who she used to be. I wish i could just fall off the face of the earth and fade away. I'm barely seen anyway. My face looks like shite. My hairs too long..... i hate this. I'm trapped in this fucking house, sure i could go out but what would i do? And it'd just be on my fucking own. Always on my FUCKING OWN. Fucking hayfevers being a twat too. Marvelous. What would it take? To die? To live? To just be noticed? To find company? To find safety? To be held? lol a friend perhaps. Ah well. that'll be me fucked then. I'm tired of moaning and talking shit. But if i stop then it all stays inside me, i can't be positive and hold onto friends, i tried that and failed. |
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| Saturday | Jun 18, 05 @ 7:21pm |
| I need someone. But nobody is listening. I asked Caitlyn but she fucked me off for her smack head friends and alcohol. I asked various other people just for the company or the chance and they all refused or declined. Joe assumed, well asked, but assumption was part of that and its just.
Theres a disctinct lack of things to do with myself that are remotely postive. Plus its too damned humid, heat i could probably just about deal with but the humidity is killing me. I'm killing me. :( |
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current mood: Abandoned current music: |
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| Friday | Jun 17, 05 @ 7:42pm |
| I think the earliest i have gotten up all week was 11:20. Bah. I feel so drained. I feel like crying like breaking down but i know there will be no point. I mean, i'd do that and sit here sobbing and being a retard until a) i found sumit pointy n started thinkin or b) cried to sleep. Oh thats fun. I don't know what i've done to these people.
I did some stupid list thing today, the first thing was list 10 people i enjoy spending time with. I could list 5, and 2 of them dont really count and 1 of them i barely ever see. I have no friends. I don't even know if i ever did. These tears lurk behind my eyes, bubbling up behind the stupid hayfever. I can blame that if anyone asks, but that won't hold up. I find it so hard to hold the happy face. I just feel so lost? I moan. All i do is moan. Woo i graduated btw. 2.2 BSc. Just gotta go to the scary ceremony in july now :S :( Life is scary. I'm shattered. I want someone to phone me, or at least hang up on me like they used to so i can phone them. I want to feel needed but most of all right now i want someone to be here to save me, perhaps only a little bit but please. Pretty please? |
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current mood: down current music: groove coverage runaway |
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| (Untitled.) | Jun 16, 05 @ 8:14pm |
| I need real people. Real friends. Real people to see, spend time with, have, hold, be with, be wanted by, want to be with. I need them | |
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| Thursday | Jun 16, 05 @ 7:28pm |
| Well. I feel displaced. I don't know.
I don't know how to make myself willing to grow up. I really don't. I mean the brief little grown up things i do sometimes i usually enjoy but given the choice the 2 places i'd rather be both involve being with caitlyn, both involve just being fairly quiet. I want these silly little quiet things. I want to walk at night quietly, or sit and watch things quietly, or sit by the fire quietly. All with her, but i'd take someone else instead. I could get a job at the council, start off doing stupid petty jobs and then after 6 months apply internally for a way higher job, 10k starting, upto like 40k eventually if i switch to a better job, though the 40k would probably take a good few years of training up internally. But i can't face it. I'd be earning that money, but i wouldnt, once mr tax man has taken his share, company pension, national insurance, bills, rent... i wouldnt be left with much and what would i spend it on. I want someone to spend it on lol. I want someone to share things with. I don't see how i could get a girlfriend really. I don't know how to find someone who'd put up with my thoughts and such. They'd have to be unbelievebly patient to get me to grow up, to grow more socially adept. To hold me and be there. I don't know. I'll do all the magical coupley things, i just want and need time to be confident with them, that or forced to in a nice way. How do you find someone who'll accept things going slow and enjoy being peaceful and thoughtful. I can't help but attach those sorta qualities, expectations to Sophie. Shes potentially perfect lil lady i think, but thats coz i don't think i know that much about her really, i used to but now i don't. Plus i think i scare her. :( |
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current mood: displaced current music: Balance of silence, tho i forget which song. good band!!!! |
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| Thursday | Jun 9, 05 @ 9:02pm |
| Well. Today. Today i played games ALL day. Joe came round and we played ps2 and then gray came round and we played ps2 and pc games. then i kicked gray out and played pc games till like 2am. 14 hours of games basically. I have no life.
I'm lonely. I want her to be here. :'( |
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