Misplaced my soul, seen it?
| Wednesday | Jul 6, 05 @ 7:14pm |
| Um. Seem to maybe have 1 friend left who i can physically see. Which epically sucks.
My lego pirate ship should arrive tomorrow i guess. I hope anyway. Hmmmmmmmmmm. My teeth hurt. I ache all over and i feel just pointless. I want a hug lol and i'm not gona get one. :( |
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current mood: Alone current music: |
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| Bike? | Jul 6, 05 @ 1:24pm |
| £0 -Grey deore hubs the pretty ones
£50 -White ...... rims (or black atomlabs?) £0 -Rock shox Judy Race 1999s(?) Resprayed White with custom £... -Raceface Diabolous WHITE stem £... -Black bars £14 -Blue hope bar ends £10 -Grips £22 -Saracen Ex-ileFrame? £10 -Truvativ 4 arm cranks £0 -Raceface 32th &22th rings £0 -Raceface bashring £25 -White dmr v8 pedals £0 -Shimano deore black mech (blacked out logo) £40? -Hope Gothic rotors £100 -Hope minis £25 -Royal Racing Q.R. things > black? £30 -DMR moto tyres or Maxxis high rollers? £15 -Shimano deore shifter (black) £15 -White fsa pig headset? £25 -FUNN DH Racelite saddle <3 White n grey urban camo £5? -Identiti seat post? £15? -blue anodised chainring bolts? STEALTH BANDIT STICKER?????????? |
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current mood: hmmmmmmmmm current music: |
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| hmmm | Jul 4, 05 @ 7:52pm |
| I loved her when she was simple. When she was complicated in subtle ways. When she was hurt i cared when she was happy i smiled, when she was quiet i was content when she held me we didn't let go. When she cried i held her. When i cried she held me. We spoke and we talked. Utter crap to inner most thoughts and feelings. Regardless of what people will say we bled for each other. It may not have been entirely for that reason but we triggered each other. We walked, we rested we cuddled we sat we laughed she slept i dozed. I held her and wanted to protect her. She held me and wanted to protect me. She was a spotty lil silly girl who wasn't spotty and wasn't silly. She was thoughtful and beautiful. Someone worth caring for, worth ignoring the stupid comments, worth incurring the wrath of her stupid friends. I was part of her life and she was part of mine.
Where as now. I don't think any of those things i can hold true any longer. She is no longer the same. You cannot say she has grown up. She has. So have i. But we grew apart, she was dragged away from me by her stupid fucking friends. I want her to open her eyes and see. Instead she doesn't. She ignores me, Shes all but turned into an alcholic, she smokes she does drugs she pulls anything with a pulse except me. I wouldnt be suprised to learn she sleeps around, if not now then she will soon of this i have little doubt. She didnt think we'd make 3 years, well it looks like we didn't. What do you do when you've let someone in so close, to see you in ways nobody else will. To let them see what hurts you and let them see you broken and to know that they are trustworthy and they will protect you. Only for them to turn round and say actually nah fuck off? I try so hard not to care about her anymore. I want to hurt her. I don't though. I want something to happen to make her realise that shes made a mistake and that she still needs me in some way or that she still wants to be friends with me. That she still cares. But it won't happen. I think shes going to drag alot of my other friends away with her. Joe seems to be going away i think. Perhaps all the mockery was right. I mean everyone seems to just laugh at me. I'm not grown up enough, i know that. But i also know that i am not ready to just go off and be mature and work 9-5 five days a week and have no life. Its hard enough as it is having no life and i can hide myself away. What would i do with my fears if i had to be in work, i think it all came to my face at work at the weekend, Ash saw it and said i looked really sad and looked kinda concerned but she has no idea lol. Shes not really the sort of person whos too likely to enquire very deeply i think. Shes pretty and cute and tiny and if she liked me would be like the oldest girl to like me lol. *sigh* If she did i wouldn't know what to do. If anyone does. I don't know what to do. I know the things i want, i know that i at least think i want things to go really slow. To give me time to build my confidence and convince myself that things are right. But equally maybe i just need to be rushed into something, i mean with Maddy that seemed to work out ok ish. Though she was not really anything lasting and i want something real that lasts, i really do. *sigh* Do i go down south to see Claire in the summer? I mean i find her exceedingly attractive and she says she quite likes me. But i'd get shot. Plus i'm scared to travel that far on my own to meet someone i dont really know, let alone someone i could potentially really really really like. lol argh. I mean theres girls all around me. But i don't seem to quite register with them. I'm unsure as to how i should make my intentions sorta obvious but in a subtle way? i duno. I want to be more kind, less snappy, more gentle and soft? Lol I've been angry alot these past few weeks. I've been snapping at everyone. But its their own faults coz they refuse to acknowledge my existance for the most part, saying they'd meet me and always failing. You have to realise that if you say you'll do something for me i truely believe you. I like to believe in people. It just doesn't work out too well. Don't promise me things you won't do. Breaks my heart all the promises that get broken to me, even the little ones. :( |
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current mood: broken current music: |
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| Sunday | Jul 3, 05 @ 8:50pm |
| *sigh*
Sleepy. Tired. Generally drained. Joe text me and asked me if i was coming down. Which was suprising. Both coz he bothered to ask and coz he had credit. I still think hes being weird with me and quite frankly i can't be arsed. So i now effectively don't have a best friend. Woo. :( Probably coz of the reasons eleri was talking about the other week when she had a big rant at me. She was right i guess. But then. I duno. I've been really snappy and i duno angry? for the past week. I think its just coz i'm pissed off at being alone. I get left out alot and thats usually my own fault either directly or indirectly. :( Grr i'm pissed off now. I can't figure out if i'm actually going to have those stupid robe things for my graduation. I Orderd them on thursday and the money still hasn't gone out my account. I also got a stupid fucking letter off the university saying how i should have ordered the gowns by now otherwise its too late. Pah how entirely unhelpful! I feel like maybe i've got a cold too. I need to get up tomorrow, thats a task in itself. And then i need to have a shower and probably a shave too. Wow exciting day i have planned. I have no life, no friends to go play with. If i give into my parents wishes and get a full time job then i'll still have no fuckin life. Why do i feel like my life is effectively over? |
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current mood: down current music: sweet home alabama |
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| Thursday | Jun 30, 05 @ 1:52pm |
| Got paid. Spent quite alot already though, stupid gowns for uni graduation, game, book, food, phone bill.
Caitlyn phoned me last night in tears coz she lost sumit and needed it. Pah. I don't want to care about her! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Discovered she apparently pulled jay for ages on the night of her birthday, good job i didnt stay, why should i stay to watch her pull everyone with a pulse except me. Nobody seems to want to pull me. Barely get hugged let alone kissing. Anything else has no chance. pah. Going to see War of the worlds soon. Joe is basically still being a prick. Fucking knobhead. Being gay about selling me his frame. hmpf. Doddy just quite simply deserves to be burnt. Hes a fucking inbred hick. Moron. Tomorrow is apparently going to be a nice day. Woo. What have i got to do? Live 8 my fucking ass. Bob geldof shud be shot. Annoying bastard. |
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current mood: abandoned current music: |
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| Sunday | Jun 26, 05 @ 11:55am |
| Well. I'm shattered and hot. I've mostly been in a good mood since last night. :) I went out to the pub to meet up with mates from work for a mate from works leaving do, then went on to RJs club.
Nearly got knocked back from RJs coz a) i didnt have proper id and b) coz i had black skate shoes on, instead of shoes. One bouncer let me in though and then another one tried to kick me out and then another one joined in so there was a brief arguement but i got in anyway. :) Not frightfully impressed with the club, i thought it'd be well bigger and i thought it would be slightly i duno, posher? It was a bit of a scabby no mark club, though i guess it is in new brighton. Wasn't very friendly either, lot of very angry looking people. Music was generally very shite on the second floor where we were, there was a grand total of about 8 songs that i liked all night. Oh and unless i'm totally insane (which i don't think i am...) then they played a dance remix of lion king! Gives an idea of how shite the music was! Downstairs was proper booming scally dance music and that was quite good. :) I told Rachel (Russ's girlfriend) pretty near directly that i fancied her. Oops. Shes too nice for Russ, he was treating her like weird all night, duno. Hmmmmm. *sigh* I got hugs off her, Laura, Hendi and Hannah. :) Love hugs. Hendi looked gorgeous, Becci looked quite nice too. Oh n Nicky looked nice too, theres too many pretty girls at work!!!!!!! *sigh* I managed to throw up, all leons fault, he bought me double jack daniels, nasty stuff! Leon got kicked out the club coz he took his shirt off and lost it. Then he proceeded to try to swim in the marine lake (not a v.nice lake) and settled for just putting his head in the lake instead.... and getting it covered in crappy water and gunk. Yuk. I tried to get some time alone with Hendi but i wasn't really forceful enough i think. Spent probably the most time in RJs talking to Rachel, shes so lovely. Shes quiet and i nice. Shes one of the random people who pulls faces at me to make me smile too. :) Makes me smile thinking of it lol. :) Leon tried to walk home on his own, minus his shirt, we feared for his life but he refused a lift, but we found out today that he flagged a taxi down. lol :) I'd go to RJs again i think, but i'd have to stay downstairs much more. Suprisingly i had quite a good time, i drank enough to be happy drunk, and had no hangover this morning. I was happy all night and was happy most of the day, still kinda am but for joe and his mates being little shits. :( Rang joe this morning, doddy answered and screamed 'si likes cock' down the fone and hung up, he did this the next 3 times i rang, and then the 4th joe answered and just said fuck off, infact everytime i've tried to ring him today someones answered and given me a stream of abuse. I rang his house and his mum answered it then went to get him and he came down shouted fuck off down the phone and hung up. Then a few mins later his mum phoned me to apologise for him being a knobhead. Quality, my friends mum is apologising for him. Guess i should become complacent and assume people will be nice to me. Dinner smells nice, though i don't know what i can actually smell! Lol! Oh one result of RJs i forgot to mention, the music was uber loud and apparently unfiltered, net result of this is that i'm near deaf and have ringing in my ears, its not as bad now as it was this morning but this morning i was riding to work and i couldnt hear my mp3 player even tho it was on like 14 instead of its usualy volume of 4! Then in work i couldnt hear anyone who spoke to me from more then like 2 metres away. Bit inconvenient really. I wonder if caitlyn can be unmad at me? She was really hurt on friday when i told her i was going early from her party. *sigh* Went to her party which was ok and then to the krazy house on friday. Krazy house was pretty much dead but still good, the music kicked ass! Slayer rain blood was on! :D Graham was a bit of a dick but meh. Sarah was there, who i hugged, as was Rose from uni, she was there for her birthday i think. I bought her a drink :D Got hugs for that and just for seeing me too lol. Left quite early and graham abandoned me on the bus, the fucker. Saw Sophie at caitlyns party, she looked nice as ever and still the same shy timid intriguing thing about her. *sigh* Its silly how many girls i've mentioned in this blog. I listed all the hugs i got too. Which is strange. However they were all off people i dont usually see much or get to hug :D I'll ignore the fact that they were also all drunken hugs. |
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current mood: Happy mostly current music: Prodigy always outnumbered never outgunned (amazing album BUY IT!) |
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| (Untitled.) | Jun 24, 05 @ 10:12pm |
| st op this and make me die in my sleeppppp | |
current mood: current music: |
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| Bike | Jun 22, 05 @ 12:09pm |
| Grey deore hubs the pretty ones
White ...... rims (or black atomlabs?) Rock shox Judy Race 1999s(?) Resprayed White with custom graphics <3 Raceface Diabolous WHITE stem Black bars Blue hope bar ends ..... grips Frame? > Black sidekick, white sidekick, black cbr gatecrasher, black x-ile, white x-ess????? Black powerpro cranks White dmr v8 pedals Shimano deore black mech (blacked out logo) Hope Gothic rotors Hope minis Royal Racing Q.R. things > black? DMR moto tyres or Maxxis high rollers? Shimano deore shifter (black) White fsa pig headset? FUNN DH Racelite saddle <3 White n grey urban camo Identiti seat post? DMR Black 32th chain ring> blue anodised bolts? STEALTH BANDIT STICKER!!!!!!!! :D I want this bike, it is my aim to build it, it is potentially quite cheap (in comparison to what i normally want) so i should be able to get it, its infinitely more likely if i dont get a sidekick frame as i save myself like £120! But omg i want it bad. Might have a job :( If so i'll be working 7 days a week for a month and my first months pay with my B&Q pay will be over £1200. :D I've ruined my friendship with cailtyn, possibly for good this time, i might need to severely back away to let her cool down. And i don't know if i'd be coming back. |
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current mood: Fucked up current music: The thing that should not be ~ Metallica |
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