Misplaced my soul, seen it?
| Monday morning | Sep 12, 05 @ 6:11am |
| Went to the pub last night (again).
Let me see, There was zillions of us... me karlee, coryn, adam, alex, Ash, mike, john, ali, Hendi, Nod, jay, jay, cath, craig, dave, joe, hannah, amy, becki, kev, and Ash's bf. Quite the invasion force. Ash looked stunning. So just grr really. lol. Um. We sat around till like half 10 then everyone bar me karlee coryn and adam and alex either left or went to town. Stayed in the pub till we got kicked out then walked up to greedys and got a pizza with everyone else, well we actually got like 3 pizzas and chips and garlic bread. I think i randomly threw a full can of coke into st marys school field, i could murder an ice cold can of coke right now too, what a waste. I wanted to go to town but i knew i couldn't coz i'm going to the krazy house next weekend i think and i can't afford that as it is, let alone two trips to town. *sigh* Apparently everyone had a really good night in town. So yer it was all good n pleasant. I got bought um 3 drinks i think. Hannah, Kev, and mike. Have to remember that and pay them back in kind next time we go out. Urgh was a nightmare trying to get Karlee and Coryn to get a Taxi home. Its only down the road but its not the most lovely of areas for two drunken girls to walk to on their own. After much loud arguing me adam and alex succeeded in calling them a taxi. They got home all safe and such. Stole Coryns number, not entirely sure why. Shes kinda cute ish i guess but apparently seeing someone and yer. Seems a nice enough person to be around though. I'm getting ready to go to daves to help him move the last lot of stuff about in his house. I need the money bigtime lol. I don't even want to check my wallet. :( Had mad dreams AGAIN. Hmpf. i've just forgotten them. |
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current mood: bit tired current music: I see girls ~ Studio B |
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| Friday morning | Sep 9, 05 @ 6:10am |
| Went to the pub last night. Sadly Tyne was there and i just don't know how to treat her now. I managed to pretty much ignore her but we still ended up being bitchy to each other. Not that anybody noticed. Karlee was nice and bought me like 2 or 3 drinks. Paula bought me a drink too. Paulas so pretty. (yes theres another girl to mention in my blog fucks sake) But she really likes craig, whos a bit of a whore i think maybe.
Laura Meridith was also there for a while, she hugged me when she left. Considering i only drank 5 or 6 budweisers and a swig of schnapps before i left the evening is far too hazy in my memory. lol Alex is increasingly convincing me that he is a bit of a prick, he turns up and just starts sprouting crap. I was up for going off to a club afterwards or even to a bar. But nobody else wanted to except Karlee and Tyne was being a knobhead and telling her that she should just go to bed. Pah. Alex at one point turned round to me and said 'you're so fucking old you just dont belong do ya!' He said it jokingly but still yer thanks mate. Twat. When we were walking through the village after the pub Tyne basically turned round and told me to fuck off and go home. Least thats how it felt. When i got home i ended up sat here in tears. Woo. :( Worried about Hannah. Oh and at the dentist i found that i did have a hole in my tooth, so hes put stuff in it as a temporary measure but im getting another feking filling on the 28th. :( I cba working today. Only coz its raining though, i should have took my mum up on the offer to buy me new boots but then i'd just be in more debt to her. grr :( |
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current mood: low current music: lets get fucked up ~ Illegal Substance |
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| Wednesday | Sep 7, 05 @ 7:28pm |
| Its not fair. I can't stop thinking. I can't feel up. I refused to go the doctors and my reasons for this are sound, at least in my mind. I know what i have to do. Its just i can only do some of those things and i don't feel that they are powerful enough with just me forcing myself to do them.
I was Happy a few nights in Santa Cruz coz we went out, paul and sarah invited me along for nights out and i felt wanted, ontop of that i felt grown up too. I struggle to feel grown up. My friends don't help much and the way i feel in my mind doesn't help really either. So i relapse and continue in my not quite childlike ways but i am not really grown up or ready for the things the world will throw at me. Sure i could take them but the sustained effort is more then i'm willing to face. Instead i'll just hide. I remember saying to caitlyn a long time ago, if i stopped phoning and texting you and turning up on your doorstep every night, would you miss me? Would you try to find me? She said yes. I can say now, she lied. They always lie. Whats the good of 'friends'? Not spoke to Tyne since she gave up texting me on monday night, fuck her. I have to stop myself from chasing after her. She is not worth it. Nothing about her is. I'm jealous of damn near everyone i know and i find that i'm worried about myself and the reasons i do things. I'm an offensive little prick and even when people explain it down to the letter with the exact reasons they're only joking coz they think i couldn't be that fucked up. They see but they're blind. Oblivious. Nobody can read me, nobody who chooses to pursue past the initial glance anyway. Dentist in 10 hours. I'm nervous as hell. Friends going off with the bfs/gfs, going off even with friends, going off and kissing and cuddling and having sex. I'm left behind. I feel misplaced. If there was one word to describe me i think that would be it. |
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current mood: Misplaced current music: allsorts |
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| Tuesday | Sep 6, 05 @ 5:18am |
| Woke up twice in the night barely breathing coz of my asthma. Joy. Found my inhaler in the end though. Woke up twice coz of fucking nightmares. Went back to sleep and had more nightmares. The only nice dream i had was when i dreamt Abbi was here and started kissing me. I've absolutely no idea why i dreamt of her. I really don't. Different girl every blog entry lol.
Then my fuckin neighbour woke me up at 8:20 with the fuckin pneumatic drill, what an inconsiderate fucking prick he is. Just realised that i actually had 3 proper meals yesterday, albeit not quite at the right times but i still ate real food. Well to a point. I had a mcdonalds quarter pounder meal at lunch time, i had mince for dinner and then i had a pizza after i came home from the pub. Pizza was real nice. Jess.... <3 *sigh* My minds fucked up when it comes to girls. I mention so many and i don't really know whats going on. Its just weird. I mean the few times when random whorey girls try to come on to me i've brushed them off so i'm not a manwhore like so many of my mates. But i kinda like so many girls and can have none of them. Theres not really anyone who fills my mind all the time. Well theres someone whos been there alot recently but i won't mention her coz well its not gona happen. |
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current mood: :( current music: god is a girl ~Groove Coverage |
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| Monday | Sep 5, 05 @ 7:48pm |
| So....
Today i got up and had a shower and then i went n helped Dave clear more shit out of his house, got another mcdonalds meal and i got £20 for it. Not bad. I then came home and saw Tyne for like 2 mins in work and tried to find out if she was gona be out n about tonight she said she was gona go to sleep. I did however arrange myself some overtime which is good. :) Then i made plans to go to grahams and then got invited to the pub at like 6 so i ditched graham and went to the pub. When i first got there it was just Adam and Karlee. Then Jess turned up. Fuck but just wow but just urgh shoot me. It would seem i still fancy Jess. Only 6 years thats been going now. Joy. :( Then later on more people turned up and Tyne came. Tyne then proceeded to be funny and basically just weird with me all night and then got briefly affectionate till alex turned round and saw me holding her and started taking the piss. So she went all pissy again. Then on the way home i let her n Karlee walk off on their own to Karlee's house, something i would never usually let them do but since it was just down the road and i was so fucking pissed off at Tyne i let them go. Walked home with Jess adam and alex and saw my cousing thomas briefly who told me that he hadn't reconized me coz of my 'gay' hat. Pfft. So either way continued to walk home gazing at Jess far too often and then we walked to Jess's house and she went in to bed and then me adam and alex went to greedys and i got a pizza which i just finished consuming, it was pepperoni and chicken and was gorgeously delicious. Then adam and alex went off with their pizza to get stoned and i came home. Whilst i was waiting for my pizza i text Karlee and Tyne to make sure they were home safe and Karlee said yes and Tyne said yes and now Tynes been texting me saying that shes sorry blablablalbla she cant trust anyone shes been too badly hurt etc etc etc. Its bullshit. At the end of the day Tynes not really pretty I looked at her then at Jess and there was NO contest. Jess wins hands down no matter what happened to her she would win. Tyne says she can't trust me and shes used that excuse too long. Shes let herself get fucked over by various people and get used and get lied to and shit. Shes known me nearly a year now and all i've ever been is good and truthful to her. She won't let me take things slowly. She wont let me even just be friends with her. Not real friends. Not someone i can trust or see. I see her infrequently and i'm sure for most of the time only when she cant really escape it. But then that doesn't explain her taking me to her house that time and it doesn't explain her kissing me. I just hate trying and trying and getting nowhere, no matter who i try to get along with it doesn't work. Nobody speaks to me anymore. Some reply but thats it. Theres an slightly increasing number of mates who i can go out and have a laugh with but theres nobody REAL left who i can trust and go out to see and be at peace with. Since my refusal to do certain things i said i'd do other things and improve my state of mind via them but i can't be arsed doing them without something. I know i have to but it backfires if i have to force myself to do them this hard. FUck |
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current mood: Fucked off current music: |
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