Misplaced my soul, seen it?
| (Untitled.) | Mar 9, 07 @ 5:27pm |
| If you can break your skin, you should be able to fix it.
Strange that. Running out of reasons not to. If i could turn myself off in my sleep and not wake up, just that simply then i think i would. The efforts that require that to actually happen are too much and too extreme coz im still too hopeful. What exactly i'm basing this hope on i'm not sure. I have a fraction more hope then i used to have but that just makes it that bit more cruel when people manage to take it away from me. Waiting to get it back again takes too long. People fail to understand or accept that i want company... I'm filled with hate depression sadness a feeling of being utterly lost and i just don't feel paticulary arsed to try anymore. I'm tempted to just not bother turning up for work anymore, its depressing me and pissing me off having to do so much pointless shit coz the boss is too moronic to realise stuff. Oh well, not like i'm gona sell many bikes tomorrow coz i rarely do when i'm pissed off. When he was off and i was in a good mood i sold 6, which was good for this time of year, when he was off early in the week the shop did 3 times more money then when he was in and i had to work with him. Moron. I have so many sharp things and shit lying around here and the only thing stopping me is fear of some situation arising soon that requires my arms to be on show, i mean i need this damn injection supposedly and i'm meant to be going to see the asthma nurse and last time i had to take my top off for her to check my lungs from all different places with the thingymajig listeny thing. So that'd go down well when i take my t-shirt off and theres all these red lines there on my arm, 'oh yer just ignore them and check out my lungs please'...... I feel more depressed then i have all year. All 2 months and 9 days of this year. But yer just argh. Nobody seems to listen anymore. Fair enough i guess. I wouldnt need people to listen if they were around. But then im not meant to rely on others for boosting my own low self esteem. But then a key thing in life is your interactions with others, and i'm not satisfied with mine. I could get on a plane tomorrow and leave the country. Woo. But i'd be alone. N i'd have to come back. N aside from my family, i wouldnt be missed. Feel so alone. Which is stupid. I hate this. |
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current mood: depressed current music: 05 track 05 apparently.... |
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| Sunday | Feb 18, 07 @ 10:18am |
| Today i woke up late. I was going to go to visit Loz and give her her doodle and get a bit of a bike ride out there as its 8 miles either way. But i woke up late and felt lethargic and when i text her she didnt reply and when i phoned her she didn't answer. grrr. So instead i've sat around in my room for the last 2 hours since i got up, well i had a shower and a shave when i got up, so now i'm quite presentable and smell nice instead of fragrent. But yer. hmm.
Today i have eaten two blue riband chocolate bars. By the end of the day i will probably have consumed a large sunday dinner too but my eating is right fucked up at the moment. My diets eratic, my exercising is eratic/non existant. My state of mind is fluctuating. But at the moment i feel a bit indifferent to be honest. My arm doesnt ache, its not been touched for 4 months and the last 2 lines are actually fading a lil, which is strange coz it was only like yesterday that i was wondering if i needed to get some cream or sumit to make them fade faster. hmmmmm I started tidying my room and i sorta stopped. *sigh* Don't know what i'm doing................. |
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current mood: numb current music: random stuff |
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| Titanium | Feb 10, 07 @ 11:34am |
| Happier now, mostly coz of my new shirt fitting nice and looking nice.
and oh did i mention TITANIUM!!!!!! Titanium New pretty brakes on my bike. Now means i have sodding 3 full sets of brakes to sell though.... oops. hehe |
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current mood: Happy current music: Alone ~ ultra beat (aka pretty green eyes) |
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| (Untitled.) | Feb 9, 07 @ 7:22pm |
| Just a lil sad. Want company. Want cuddles. Despite the duvet stealing and random digs and snipes and lack mostly of cuddles i wish i was still in leeds with Fran. :( | |
current mood: current music: |
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| (Untitled.) | Jan 25, 07 @ 6:09pm |
| Nearly actually quite happy.
Friends being nice and aside from being ill, life nearly going where i want it to and i'm at least trying not to dwell on shit. Hope i stay fuzzy feeling. :-) |
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current mood: relatively happy current music: |
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| (Untitled.) | Jan 21, 07 @ 12:48pm |
| I might as well have spent my week unconcious.
It would have actually been better. It genuinely would have. Would have gotten better in my own time, wouldn't have gotten down, wouldn't have cared or known about being forgotten by my mates, wouldn't have tried to get people to do stuff with n thus wouldn't have been pissed off when nobody wanted to do anything. Wouldn't have had to put up with calling work all the time and being called. Wouldn't have to have eaten. Wouldn't be sat here feeling so fucking worthless even though i know i shouldn't. Worse because i know i'm wrong for trying or thinking or wanting. Its not the right way to go about getting anywhere. Feel utterly heart broken. |
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current mood: Depressed current music: walking away ~ The egg |
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