The hatred released, Random spurts..Things held in..
| Random..poem thought thingy...no clue really | Nov 3, 09 @ 10:45am |
| To stand on the edge of my own delirium it's a rush,
But some how I can stop myself and find some sort of sanity, Only for your sake, I don't trust you will understand, But I understand your trust, So I let you in, under a none trusting manor, I don't even understand myself, So if you can figure me out, would you be kind enough to help me find all my pieces? Random thought : I don't understand why you love me, I don't understand why you want me...I never have, but you say you have always loved me since we first locked eyes and I smiled wildly. I can't even explain why when ever I look at you I smile uncontrollably..I can't explain why I go all retarded when ever your near me,look at me or touch me..it's like everything around me goes out the window and I'm in a state of "Awe" and all mushy.. You make me feel so different..in a good way, this is all so new to me and I think I'm addicted..I tingle all over when ever you touch me, I get mad butterflies in my tummy when you look into my eyes. it feels like fireworks when ever we kiss, when we make love my body is lost in a rapture of pleasure. on the edge of it feels so good it hurts but please don't stop, I can't get enough. <3 <3 <3 |
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current mood: Madly in love current music: Erika Shivon ft. Twista - Wetter (Calling you Daddy) |
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| Random thoughts...rant...thingy..I geuss? I uno.. | Mar 20, 09 @ 6:06pm |
| ^.^...I've never felt like this before...I never thought of someone like this before...well in the past yeah but this time it grew to greater lengths..I didn't think it could honestly. But he proved me wrong..everyone noticed a huge difference in me...a good difference..I'm more mellow..I don't look so hateful..I now randomly smile I don't do it on que like I used to..I have reasons to smile with meaning to it now..I'm in love and I'm getting my life straightend out, gots a new car. finishing up my G.E.D...found out the car dealer ship shop is being left to me..^.^ I have lost a whole lot more weight..I can now fit pants size 16...and size 17 in juniors ^.^ planning on going to college as soon as I finish up the G.E.D..and I have been saving my ass off to go see my boyfriend again =) by working odd jobs..I have way too much going on to try and squeeze in an actual part time job so when I get the G.E.D done. getting a part time job and saving my ass off yet again and when I go and see him I shall be applying for jobs and house searching and rent comparing. to see how much I have saved enough to survive to find a job or if I have a job lined up down there the money I have saved is going into a trust fund..the fund will be either for my future child, or my emergency money, or just money for a wicked candy painted mustang..^.^ or a nice car along those lines..or take the money and travel the world..maybe find a better place to settle down at..I have alot of things in mind...and determined to make more then one of them come to reality..Once I get my mind set..I'll find ways to get it done..that's how I have been all my life..I could be dirt poor..and it looks like nothing but hardships ahead..if I'm sick of it..I'll change it..like right now..I'm sick of being here..I want out..so..I'm getting out as soon as possible..I was sick of my body...am now still in progress of fixing it ^.^ almost to my goal..I got sick of my mood issue..so in progress of fixing it..almost done with it ^.^ I got lots of help and I'm doing a hellova lot better =) also..David brung up getting married, having a child maybe two..I didn't even say anything to lead to it..he just said he loves me and always has since he was sent away..and that he wants a future with me, that I am "all his" and "no one else's" . he was the first boyfriend I ever let in..he was the first to tell me he loved me..and I believed him..and I said it back..he was the first I ever said " I love you too" to..because i don't say it unless I mean it..people would get mad at me because Iwouldn't say it back..but i can't help it..I didn't feel it..I'm not going to give them false hope by saying it back. people now a days just say it just because..they do it for any reason besides the actal meaning of the words..they don't undrstand..they are throwing a lit stick of dynamite at their lover..each time they say it..they pass it..when they don't say it..normally it blows up in their partner because why all a sudden stop saying it? inseurities set in..tah dah..clicking time bomb..-.- I love him like no other and I say it and think it with pride..=)
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current mood: happy current music: Flo-Rida - Hypnotized |
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| aha, wow..better then a Sunday comic.. | Feb 22, 09 @ 1:08pm |
| I woke up this morning..to and out of the blue cracked out message..First..I suposively always "playing victim"...oh but now it's changed..to "your out to hurt me" ...makes sence eh? yeah..*shakes head* I don't get it either..but eh, whatevers clever..I woke up today looking forward to reading the sunday comics..but this..took the funnies for the morning..XD..*shakes head* *sings 007* oh watch out..I'm out to get everyone..>.>..it's the evil me comming out..<.<..dun dun dun...would you like some ketchup with that ham? XD...lmao..and that the person is "'done..I'm done"...done with what? I have no idea what you were doing in the first place to "be done"...ding turkeys done? fuck if I know..and fuck if I care..I'm not even going to go anywhere with anyone on anything..sums it up..gossip amongst yourselves..ruin yourselves..fucking turn yourselves pananoid as all hell I don't care just leave me the fuck out of it..label yourselves for once eh? Just a change..change is good..so is fung shui..but I think that's besides the point..I uno..maybe throw some red chairs..in somewhere? make em all happy before they fucking gouge out each others fucking faces..well I uno maybe it be great for that to happen because then people WOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP..babbling on like fucking chicken heads in the fucking wind..no this side..no that side...BAAHHH YOUR EVIL...BAAHH I DON'T CARE...BAH BAH BAH BAH one minute it's this thing..the next the total opposite of the first decision..then BAM IT'S YOUR FUALT..and then..goes right back to the first decision..MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MINDS...and fuck..here..I'll say it..YOUR ALL FUCKED...SO STFU FESS UP FUCK UP SOME MORE IT'S REALITY IT FUCKING HAPPENS GET USED TO IT.. holy hell people..you all have no trust..amongst yourselves...all this to try to make yourselves look better...congrates? I'm just saying..I'm tired of being blamed or labeled..be my friend..then do it..don't want to be my friend..LEAVE MY NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH..got it? *takes deep breathe* *drinks come tea* do what you gotta do just leave me the fuck out of it because I'm not a mother fuckng patsy..I'm not taking the fall or the blame for anything..but I don't care..you want to think I did something..then fine keep it in your little world..I don't give a fuck..I'm not going to clear my name, I'm not going to fight for a friendship, I'm not going to do anything..have fun =) now..I'm going to go do my yoga..^.^ | |
current mood: good actually current music: Brokencyde - No Game |
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| Dislikes... | Feb 14, 09 @ 11:55am |
| -My fucked up body that tends to like to challege medical records mentally and physically-
- People who don't get that even those with high I.Q.'s do have brain farts some more then others depending on mental stresses- - People who say your not smart or it's impossible for you to be the second smartest kid in Michigan due to some mental/emotional disturbances- - People who say I cannot have slight Dyslexia due to the fact I can read and have gotten awards and so on for literature and can comprehend Shakespear, fucking read College material and completely fucking understand the shit. even though I have no clue how due to the fact I have never passed 10th grade becuase of bad choices. ( I have proof due to a tutor. I was reading a book and she asked if I understood it I said yes, she asked me to recite what I read in my own words to see how I comprehended it. I told her and she was surpirzed I asked why she replied," Your highly advanced that is a college litterature study text book." I was only 10.- - People who think I'm -slow- due to the fact I word things differently- -People who think I mean something completely different then the point I was trying ot get across and then refuse to let me explain and -insist- that how they took is was the way I ment it- -people who put me on ignore over an ASSUMPTION..I fucking hate that with the passion. Fucking cocksmacks..because they are normally too full of themselves to stop their ego a moment and actually -ask-. -geussing games with important matters and they get all pissy because htey only give me a mother fucking sentence and expect me to fully grasp the fucking concept of wtf they are saying..- - THOSE WHO ASSUME, assume this..you do that...I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU I'M TIRED OF THAT FUCKING SHIT. LIKE I NEED ANOTHER FUCKING USELESS MOST LIKELY BAD FUCKED LABEL WRITTEN ACROSS MY FOREHEAD? that is CLEARLY something I'm fucking not..like for instance..being called a stalker by an egotistical asshole who couldn't pull his head from his own ass if his life depended on it..yea..he so has fucking room to give someone a label.- - PEOPLE ASSUMING I'm crazy just because when they ask me what is wrong with me I tell them I have Borderline Split Personality Disorder. Which is just a MOOD DISORDER mixed with self distructive behaviors. The Medical Association is TRYING TO CHANGE THE NAME OF THIS DISORDER DUE TO THAT FACTOR OF WRONG ASSUMPTIONS JUST BASED ON THE NAME ITSELF. Thank you ASSHOLE for who ever came up with this name for my disorder..- - Those who have things wrong with them that you can CLEARLY TELL..and then they still look down on you. EVEN THOUGH they also ADMIT that they too have a disorder..cracked out fucks..- - The stupid mother fucking past and all those fucks in it..- - Those who are liars and I call them out on it and they switch it around and pull the -I don't knwo what your t alking about.- Card and still insist they didn't lie even though I clearly seen it..and when I press on it and -prove it-because I feel it insualted me they get all defensive and want to change the subject. and still insist on throwing a bad label on me because I have the balls to say wtf is the truth. And then turn around and talk shit about me because htey are sour about it and won't say it to my face like I can theirs..- -Those who refuse to fess to their mistakes and preffer to live in denial and ignore the rightful thing to do even though they claim they always do the rightful thing- -Those who try to keep things from me due to being greedy and they know it will hurt me..and they should be ashamed..and then act like I'm an idiot and am oblivious to my suroundings and their clear actions. - - People who are fucking -blind- mentally to almost everything before it hits them right in the fucking face and then they say omg I didn't see that comming...even though the signs where right there the whole time. and it was dead on fucking completely -obvious- too. Then they try to pull it off like oh haha yea I so knew it..I just chose to let it happen blah blah blah..stupid asses..- -Being in constant fucking pain, stupid bitch ass doctors not knowing wtf is wrong with me or what is causeing it and being diagnosed with 20 million fucking things. I have the feeling I'm going to be making it in the medical records once again -.- I fucking hate my body..- More bitchng yet to come..goody..lol |
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current mood: mellow current music: Atreyu - Lip gloss and black |
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| venting..yet again... | Feb 7, 09 @ 3:05pm |
| I can feel you pushing away..why? Am I that bad? Am i that fucked up? It's like..no matter what I do..no matter what I don't do..I get fucked in the end..I try ot be a good friend..I get stabbed over 40 fucking times shit on then salt poured on the wounds..I try to be the best loving girlfriend..but it's like you didn't want that..you were just saying it in the begining..I'm so fucking confused..I don't talk..I get acussed..I talk..I'm a horrible person..I let things go..I'm automaticly being a stubborn person..it's like no matter what I can't win..Stitch my mouth shut gouge out my eyes and fucking stab my ear drums and make em bleed so I can no longer hear it, see it, speak it..rip out my heart and burn it..so I can no longer feel it aching as it bleeds out...why am I still here? wtf could be my purpose? just to piss people off? accidently hurt them? take the blame for everyone who won't fucking deal with their own shit so they dump it on me? so I could be fucking mind fucked 24/7 by almost everyone I know? to be a goddamn guinea pig for pcychiatrists/therapists? hm? please someone fuckign tell me my purpose so I know it's not to just be shit on all the time..and oh god forbid if I like a little release once in a while from all this shit..I get shit on more..ain't that fucking great? I leave one very bad situation..and what do you know..I'M THE BAD PERSON..what a wonderful surprize?! everyone hated him..everyone talked shit about him..everyone said to leave him..everyone.." oh he hits on me he makes me uncomfortable he was trying to get me in ed behind your back" I had enough..I was tired of it..I left..without talking shit..all I wanted was my pictures..what do you know..I'M THE BAD FUCKING PERSON FOR MAKING MY LIFE BETTER...I'M A BAD PERSON BECAUSE I WANTED -MY- PICTURES -BACK- THAT WERE OF -MY FRIEND- later on finding out they were not really friends..they were two faced backstabbers..but that is not the reason why I fucking left him, I left him because I was sick and tired of being hurt and reminded that I was -never- good enough and that I was never -going to be- and that he would rather cheat on me and hurt me and then lay in the same bed as me and EXPECT to touch me and me -liking it- KNOWING what he has done..I don't fucking think so..I'm so fucking sick and tired of people..I'm to the point to where I don't give a fuck if I hurt anyone any more..I'm going back to being a complete bitch to those around me besides my lover..and my freinds on here..anyone else can fucking fuck off for all I care..I'm done with fake people..I'm fucking done...and I think it's really fucking halarious..that after all of that shit all those peopled talked behind his back and my back the fucked thing of all this..thenm telling me all this bad stuff about him and such n such..the really FUCKED THING about all this is they are on -his- side..my so called best friend..was part of this..saying she was nutral..no..not at all..because she loved rubbing it in my face how I was so mean to him..but yet she was the one who come running ot me telling me all this shit about him..but yet she rather sit there and defend him none stop after i break up with him..and they even gave her some of -MY- photos..that were not theres to give in the first place..you have no clue how much of a slap in the face that is..on how I am such a bad person..for saying how I feel..for saying what my opinion is..nothing but a bunch of spiteful shit starters..who have nothing better to do with their lives..don't want to better themselves and shit on me because I do..and am actually doing something about it..and yes I have help from my grandparents..I'm not ashamed to say I need help..everyone does at some point in time..I'm losing my weight..I have a -real- boyfriend..I let most of the shit go that holds me back..I'm going to counceling and psychtherapy how ever you spell it..to over come things of the past that haunt me..so I can go even further and live a happy life..I've worked..had jobs..learned what it was like to make my own money..I'm not pregnant..I don't have any STD's, I was raped when I was 11 but it still doesn't hold me back from talking with the opposite sex, I don't close myself off from the opposite sex...I'm not afraid...I'm only afraid..when I see him..and have painful flash backs..but I get myself back together and keep telling myself I'm alright he can't hurt me any more..I won't let him..I did not go through all this shit..all these 21 years of nothing but shit..to be afraid..to close myself off from people..to hide behind a computer screen..to lie or worry about my flaws..there is more to life then to worry about past mistakes..or to try and fix a false friendship...there is way more to life..then this pety bullshit..I'm moving forward..it's all I can do..I'm going to make my boyfriend happy..I'm going to make myself happy..that is all that matters.. | |
current mood: froggy..-.- current music: Brokencyde - Take Me Away |
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| Grr...venting -.- | Feb 3, 09 @ 1:28pm |
| Fuck people, I'm sick of this..every fucking time I'm the bad person. I'm a bad person for being honest,for not holding my toungue. I'm a bad person for being open, I'm a bad person for saying what I see and how I praceive things, I get acussed of shit constantly that I didn't fucking do..but my bad go right ahead point the finger at me some more I should be fucking used to it by now..Not to mention it makes it alot easier to blame someone else for your actions..and talk shit constantly..bring them down so you can have false happiness..Congratulations..you have earned the biggest fucking badge of hippacrisy..would it make you happier if ya know..I cut out my toungue and give it to you on a gold platter? while you twist the knife in my back a little more to the left? eh,? oh..my bad..that's right I am not supposed to have an opinion. I'm not supposed to tell it how it is..Also not supposed to say my -emotions- on situations..too fucking bad..I'm tired of shit. tired of stupid bullshit pety internet drama, tired of liars, fakers, hippacrits,nieve, self obsorbed, People are fucking retarted, they would rather defend something so fucking fake then face reality and realize they have nothing and need to make something. -.- But hey what the fuck can I say? hm? I'm not allowed to fucking think..or I'm a bad person..I'm not allowed to feel hurt by actions, because I am a horrible person..I shouldn't be able to want someone to love me because I'm so fucking horrible. ( too bad found someone to love me =) so fucking hate me for that too ^.^ and it's -REAL- love..) omg..I realized something...I'm so fucking horrible because I typed this! *gasps* fuck off..At this point..with all these knives in my back..the number goes past all my fucking -MISTAKES- in life..I'm such a fucking horrible person for letting people walk all over me. I'm so bad that I would give you my only shirt off my back no matter -HOW SHITTY- you -TREAT ME-...yes omg that is just pure torture right there I can't beleive that..omg so much hatred..-.- you want hatred? I can definately show you hatred..-.- with no fucking remorse..at this point, I'm about ready to fucking flip on the next fucking nitwit who urks me the wrong way in the slightest sence..YES I AM THAT FUCKING HORRIBLE..fucking blow me.. | |
current mood: Pist current music: Soil- Pride |
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| This dream..and the feeling...and the key.. | Jan 22, 09 @ 10:07pm |
| I know..something is up..to many silent words being said..I can tell..there is change in all of them.....derastic change...this part was in my dream..but then there was parts I changed..but it's like it went right back to the track it was on..I might have made things worse by trying to make them better..like I told Clint, " I let you in too fast, I don't want to change things." and he Replied " why not? maybe change is good?" er..something along those lines..and I just told him either I liked the way it was going or told him..I tried and it became "this" the situation we where in...gah, this is horrible...this might be the end of it all..and everyone..will be bitter and sour..-.- I don't think I can change this..way..way to much deception..for any of them to be able to back it up to salvage anything..all this..through a mis-understanding...something mis-said..leads to the truth..another lie..and then bam..it all clashes at once on us all...and we all are hurt one way or another..we all are scorned..but might not show it..the same reason..why this is going to happen in the first place..after it happens..it's going to begin all over again..but this time maybe without the big bang at the end..hopefully..I'm afraid, there is not going to be a way to stay out of the line of fire...and I'm going to be hurt...very very badly...over a "mis-understanding" and we are not going to be able to patch it..someone is my friend..because they don't want to hurt me..in which..it hurts more then that person not being my friend...this is going to be a -huge- mess..and I'm dreading it..even though I didn't do anything..I'm still going to get hurt..from -alot- of misunderstandings said between them all..and nothing being said out loud...why can't people say the truth? how hard is that? be like.."yes I still have hurt feelings over it but I'm trying ot look past it because I'm hoping I can trust you again because you were a good friend." but I know..all will backfire....all these people...there is no such thing as trust..only secret deception..and if this is the way of getting back at me...congrates...if this goes how I said...the ending is not good..at all...stop while your ahead before you regret it...I am not saying not ending good as in suicide..I'm saying as long term damage...that will haunt you..and I'm not talking about the person you probly think I'm saying this to..-.-..humans..are horrible in general..-.- and I am not sick..fuck all I have is a mood problem..-.-..got people to back it both up..-.-.. | |
current mood: blah.. current music: Iio-Smooth |
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