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January 20, 2010, 9:39AM
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|As Human beings, we are physically and mentally programmed to undergo tough and often make-or-break moments. That being said, we all treat this problems and situations differently, and have various ways of solving them. Well what if life was not meant to be so hard? What if everything you ever desired your life to be, down to the kind of clothing you want could all be made possible? No more feeling depressed about seemingly stupid situations that arise. Sounds far fetched doesn't it? Well its not, believe me ITS NOT. This is not an article about something i read, or some guy on the TV that says "You can better your life if you buy this book". No. This is personal experience, heartfelt experience. Raw emotion.
2009 was a very bad year for me, constant lying and selfishness caused me to lose the most valuable assets of my life. My family. I owed my brother 8 thousand dollars which he took out a loan for so he can purchase a car for me, then i was supposed to find a job and pay him back. Well i found a job, it lasted all but 2 months. I lied to him and my parents that i was going to work, when in reality i was driving around, often finding random, hidden places so my folks and brother couldn't find me, should they drive past. I kept this up for 2 weeks straight, 5 days a week. Most of the time it was to early in the morning to go to friends houses or anything like that, as i began work at 7 am, they were sleeping. Well once, out of sheer frustration i called my brother and told him i was coming home because i left work early because they wanted me to scan some pictures from home (I was a scanner operator). Well my brother did not buy that at all. Previous lies to him and deception had caused him to lose a certain amount of trust in me. So he got his then fiance (Now wife) to call my boss and ask if she could speak to me, well my boss told Melanie (My brothers fiance) that i had quit 2 weeks earlier.
At this same time, when i had called my brother and told him i was coming home early, i had this strange feeling in my stomach, i knew what i was doing was bad, and i actually realized that today would be the day i would get caught. So i went to the local psych house to speak to a Psychiatrist that i was seeing a while before this, and upon hearing my stories of deception and anger, the doctor recommended i stay at the Youth Home for a week (Mental house). As soon as i got out of the building i called my brother (who at this point had not yet taken it up with his fiance to call my boss) and he suggested i should do what i think is right. I decided i wouldn't do it. I went to my friends house and we went to the local shopping center for some Portuguese chicken, a good friend who i knew i could rely on. I had told him of my quitting the job but not of lying about where i was. Right on cue, as if some higher power had a purpose for me, my brother calls me.
"Dzenan, why the f**** did you lie to us??? After everything we did for you? After all you put us through? You knew our wedding is coming up and you still f**** me around like this? You selfish little c***. Pack up your stuff tonight, me and Melanie dont you want you in the house anymore"
And that was it. I explained to my friend the situation, he drove me back to my brothers house, who conveniently was not there. But upon entering my brothers house, my parents (Who were staying there to because they were waiting for the tenants to leave the house that they had just bought) welcomed me with disappointment. It seems my brother and his fiance had gotten to them first. With a million thoughts rushing through my head, i quickly ignored my mums plea to understand why i had become like this, the black sheep of the family, the lire, the deceiver, and packed up everything i could fit into 2 large rubbish bags, and quickly put that, along with my trusty sketchbook and pencils, and a few books on jack the ripper and other assorted past times, hopped into my car and drove to the mental home.
This is where my life began to spiral at a pace i could not control.
Upon entering the building, a group of nurses welcomed me with false smiles to the hospital and showed me to my room. Walking through the kitchen area i saw a few other patients gathered around a table. One who would be my next girlfriend for 5 months, and who would show me, in her own sick and twisted way, why i did not want to be like that anymore, and why i would change. I ignored everyone, and with my hood over my head and my bags under my arms i stormed into my new room. To be honest, it was not that bad in their. A decent sized room, with a in built bathroom and toilet, and places where i could store my clothes. The nurse assured me if i needed anything, they would be just around the corner, and that i should wait for 10 minutes for the Psychiatrist to asses me. I locked the door, had a shower and arranged all my things. I was surprised to see that the room had a really big whiteboard in it too. So i went out and took the nurses advice, and asked if i could borrow a whiteboard marker. She generously handed me a brand new blue marker and said i can have it. I returned to my room and immediately began to do what i always do when i end up in situations i cant seem to get out of. I began to draw. Half an hour later, and a lot of blue ink on my palms from rubbing out, Superman VS Captain America was displayed on the whiteboard. And when the 10 minute Psychiatrist came in half an hour later, he looked at me, looked at the drawing, and said "You have an amazing gift, what are you doing here??" I giggled.
After bleeding my self out to him, and crying like a little 5 year old boy, i finally was able to retreat in the safety of my room. A Seroquel and 2 Valiums later, i was in dream land. I woke up in the morning feeling strangely free and alive. I jumped out of bed, had a shower, put some fresh clothes on and pounced out into the kitchen where breakfast was waiting for me, along with about 10 other patients. One of the patients fit the cliche of a mental home flawlessly. She was in a long white gown, with an iPod, walking around the kitchen table for about 25 minutes. But i gobbled up the breakfast and wondered what to do next. I was still not in the mood or the mind state to be socializing with anyone, so i just asked one of the nurses if they could open up the gym for me, as they previously told me that their was a gym there, when they took me for a tour. The nurse gladly obliged and i went into this gym, hoping no one was there, i really needed some time to my self. Well someone else was thinking the same thing as i was, because there she was, lifting small weights with a big, Greek man behind her for support. She looked at me, and smiled, i looked at her, and i smiled. And that was it. I would find out later, when i was dating her, that the Greek man was in fact her Ex-Boyfriend, and he 40+ years old, when she was 17 at the time, he owned the Hotel/Strippers where she was staying. This girl had problems, it didn't take a genius to figure it out, i mean come on, i met her at the Psych hospital. But to make a very long story as short as possible. We fell in love.
That night, me and her went for a cruise, her finding out i had a Nissan 180sx, she was crazy to go for a drive somewhere. But we needed permission from our shrinks. They let us go, but our curfew was only till 9pm. Me and her came back at 5am the next morning. We had sex in my car that night at least 4 times, we had taken Seroquels, and had drunk energy based alcoholic beverages. We were, in term, off our faces. We were wild, rebels, and we didnt care what we did. And that was the bottom line. 2 days later we left the place, and putting our stuff, which was not much, in the back of my car, we headed for the road. We had no idea where we were going, we had no money, and no places to stay. We lived in the car for a few days, talking to each other, opening up, crying, laughing. Finally i got my fortnightly benefit pay and we were able to indulge in the luxury of a cheap motel room where we felt like a real couple with a house and a family. By this time our minds were altered by an extremely large amount of consumption of marijuana and alcohol, and we cared for nothing but each other. We were Bonnie and Clyde.
After my reserve of money was running low, and the payment for the motel was approaching, we were beginning to worry. But fate has a funny way of dealing with things, and my Aunt called me and demanded we stayed with her, she had learned of my homeless situation and began yelling at me as to why i didnt come to stay with her. Um, maybe its because your a ice junkie who has a daughter and steals all the time? But hey, any bed is better then no bed, so we quickly seized the moment. We stayed at my aunts for 2 whole months, and after many suicide attempts from my ex girlfriend, who i will not name, we decided we should move to live with her mother, on the other side of Australia. Worst mistake possible.
I hated every minute of being up in Queensland, even though its recognized world wide as Australia's tourist capital, i couldn't stand the isolation, no friends, not knowing anything or anyone. And after one massive fight, she cut her self, and i told her i couldn't do this anymore, and begged my parents to buy me a ticket back to Melbourne. Lectures upon lectures, promises and threats if i broke those promises later, they agreed to fund my trip back home. I came home, and i literally cried in my parents arms.
You see, i was in a messed up state, extremely. A kid with a lot of rage and selfishness built up, where no one or anything else mattered but my self. And it took someone else, a girl, who is beautiful, but fights her own demons, to make me realize what i screwed up. This girl is a sweet girl, but she has problems, we all do. But the MAIN thing i learned from all this experience, all the sex, drugs, and rock and roll, is that you create your own problems, whether you realize it or you don't. Life is a constant struggle, yes, situations to come when certain factors have to be taken into consideration, but if you really, really take the time to look at these problems, you will always find a answer. You only struggle as much as you want to, depression and mental disorders are all in the head, and no amount of Seroquels or Valiums will change that. A great man once said: "The only illusion in life is disillusion". I truly believe that. If you have taken the time to read this personal journey of mine, then i thank you, and i hope you find the strength to be proud of what you have and who you are, like i did.
Oh and by the way, me and my brother are all good now, and i begin my teaching drawing class in February. :) Peace everyone. And for you my ex girlfriend, one day you will find that peace as well. Love you all.
|Shouldn't this be a blog not an article?|
January 30, 2010, 3:02AM